6 Social Distancing Methods from a Non-Expert | Satire

Warning: Advice of social distancing within this post is meant for humor and entertainment purposes and should not be perceived as medical advice.  For official guidance, utilize credible sources.

Yes, yes, yes…I have not written in almost two months and surprisingly, it has nothing to do with the recent pandemic of the coronavirus.  I have been busy with finishing college, but now that quarantining has entered the mainstream for many people around the world, it is the perfect opportunity to start writing again.

Now, as literally everybody knows, social distancing is an action that has been encouraged (aggressively) by many politicians and Hollywood stars you forgot existed.  While social distancing sounds like a negative term or something that would not be encouraged, it is something that all of us are expected to abide by.

But what exactly is social distancing and what are the most effective tips for social distancing in your personal life.

What is social distancing?

Social distancing is the practice of distancing oneself from another person by a certain amount of distance (and from crowds).  Because coronavirus can spread through, what I like to call, “droplets of discharge” (coughing or sneezing), everyone is advised to keep a certain amount of distance from others.
Now the exact distance has changed or differs, depending on who you ask.  Originally, some people said 3 feet distance was suffice.  However, the most common distance advised for social distancing is 6 feet.  I have even heard some individuals say to stay 10 feet away from others.  It seems like there is a competition between medical professionals about length, but silly them.  Length is not as important as actual results, am I right?

Social Distancing Methods

Since we are expected to socially distance, you may be wondering to yourself, “are there any helpful methods that I could use to make sure I socially distance myself?”.  And lucky you, here are some humorous tips and methods, from a non-medical professional, on how to maintain social distancing.

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The Never-Bathe Method

This method is an interesting one, because it is clearly not hygienic and could prove to be dangerous in a pandemic.  However, never bathing is effective at maintaining social distancing.  The longer you go without a bath or shower, the more you will smell and appear dirty.  This achieves effective social distancing, because no one will want to stand within 6 feet of you!  Instead of trying to maintain a safe distance from others, everyone else will maintain a safe distance from you!  While not bathing would likely increase the risk of one obtaining an infection, it is a possible method for social distancing.

Use this method at your own risk, moving on…

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The Beeping Method

This method involves self-awareness and vocal skills.  Whenever you are in a situation where there are other people, if someone starts to get too close (and within social distancing limits), start making beeping noises.  The beeping noises should increase in sound and speed if an individual keeps coming closer to yourself.  The beeps should be of a high pitch and extremely annoying, impersonating the beeps of a machine that warns people when it is backing up or moving.

While beeping may not be good for your vocal cords, it is good for social distancing…On to the next!

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The Spray-Bottle Method

This method involves carrying around a spray-bottle full of water and spraying individuals who violate your social distance.  If someone enters within 6 feet of yourself, you should proceed to spray them with water from a spray-bottle and watch them run away, restoring the social distance once again..  This method is similar to the beeping method, except this method is better fit for those with weak vocal cords.  If you wish to increase the shock factor of the spray, use very hot water or ice-cold water.  Soap can also be added to the water, if you so desire.

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The Pepper-Spray Method

Like the spray-bottle method, except more effective and more crying involved.

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The Skunk Method

This method involves some animal tracking and only works for individuals who live in a habitat that has skunks.  This method is much like the never-bathing method, except one can still bathe and wash in this method (a major plus).  An individual must find a skunk in nature through immense animal tracking skills.  Once an individual funds a skunk, one must proceed to ask politely for the skunk to spray them with their smelling chemical.  If the skunk refuses your diplomatic offer, one may start to dance and sing, in order to entice action from the skunk.  Once an individual is sprayed by a skunk, the smell will act as a deterrent from others standing too close to oneself.

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The Batman Method

This method involves dressing up in a batman costume.  If you already own one, than this method is definitely for you.  An individual needs to wear a batman outfit whenever in a situation where social distancing can occur.  If someone approaches, an individual should also speak in their best Batman impression and say, “Batman is social distancing today, therefore, so should you!”.  This method will surely be successful, as anyone would be thoroughly intimidated or confused by being told by batman to maintain a social distance.

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Okay, okay…perhaps those methods are not the most effective methods for social distancing.  I would not advise anyone to enact any of those methods, although I would be impressed if someone did the skunk method.  If you are in a situation where you are social distancing, here is official information about the coronavirus by the Center for Disease and Control, if you want to learn any important or safety procedures (click here).

I wrote this post because I believe that it is important to maintain creativity and humor during times when fear is so common.  I am not trying to make fun of the situation, but rather, I am trying to maintain my humor through these situations.

Stay safe!